Dear my mom,

I never thought I'd hear the words come out of your mouth.
The words I've had trapped and buzzing in my head since as long as I can remember.

I can't even recall the exact words you said, but it was along the lines of "You'll end up under a bridge" "we fear for your future" "you're going nowhere in life, we don't know what to do with you anymore" "the rubber room"

I hope that one day you'll learn just now fucking painful that was to hear. To hear my own mother utter the same hymns that the glob of nerves in my skull repeats to me every second of every waking hour.

I don't want a future.

I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes I feel cornered. I feel like if there were an active shooter at any given moment, I wouldn't be in the biggest hurry to find safety. If a car were to veer into my lane in oncoming traffic, I wouldn't be the most inclined to steer my wheel.

I hate the idea of college. I hate it so much, I just don't have it in me to do this shit for 4 more years, AND have to pay for it out of pocket on top of that. I don't know why I have to spend the whole tutorial period of life trying my hardest to not fall behind into the wake of poverty and ruin that sucks so violently as if I could be lurched back at any given moment. If I get one bad grade, hit one vape, smoke one joint, date one bad guy, that my life will turn to shit overnight; that I am a trashy whore who has nothing ahead of her, some lowlife disgrace of a daughter that fucked herself over at 17.

And honestly, I know my life is headed that way.
I can already see it.

And it's in moments like this in which I consider.
"Would it really be that bad"
"I know where her pills are, all of them"
"It could all just stop"

And, after all.
You don't know what to do with me anymore anyways.