Dear yet another that got away. or pushed me away. I dont know. pt3,

. I am too scared to kill myself. It would hurt first of all. You know I don't like pain. But this pain that is ethereal and emotional and ever present is too much for me. I crack under it every day. I keep hoping someone will come and check on me whenever I cry. I am ashamed that I cry, it makes me feel pathetic. I know its healhy and its good to cry but I also feel so weak. I want a hug. I have nobody to hug. I don't know wjhy you wrote that letter and sent it to me. I don't know what you wanted to come of it, or what you thought it would do. I don't know what the goal was. All it has done for me Is throw me back into the spiralling and fighting inside of my brain. Old me wants my old love back, from the woman who I loved who is gone and never coming back, and new me feels pathetic and disgusting for wanting and thinking that. New me hates old me and old me just wants to cry and disappear into a hole. I really hate the way I feel right now. I am so weak and alone. I am a mist of tangled emotions screaming into a void asking it why I am so hard to love when I love the way I do and understand love the way I do. This world is too much for me to bare and I am too much for this world to care for. I think I understand the concept of infinity, of forever and never ending and true boundlessness. My brain understands that concept and I love infinitely. And that hurts. It is too hard to love like this and nobody understands love this way and that makes me feel like they cant truly love me. I cant have this love for myself though. I am unloveable I think. That sounds so cliché and manipulative but I don't have the right words to make it make sense and sound how It feels in my brain. I am unloveable because I cannot love myself. It is too hard. That is also why I feel like nobody else can love me. Because it is too hard. I don't know who I am writing this for, I am writing it like its to you, to ane, but I don't want to send it to you. I don't think it will come across the right way and I think you would take it badly and it would backfire and the wrong parts would be the focus. This is just me trying to put how I feel in my core into words. Trying to process my emotions slowly because my brain has been moving like a wildfire for days now. Nothing helps though. The alcohol made me numb and out of control and that didn't help. Weed would just do the same. Writing songs feels so hard still, and I feel like I am writing things that are too personal and specific to mean anything. I wish I was a poet or an artist. I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish I was better at asking for help. I hate being me. I am not a fun person to be. I am so disgusted by the things I have written here. All I have tried to do is write out my thoughts as they came and write out my feelings but they feel and sound so manipulative and disgusting. Is that just who I am? I hate that. I hate me. I don't want to be me, I guess that is what the therapy Is for but that is slow. And painful. I wish I had gotten the help earlier so I could have avoided so much of this. And that I advocated and stood up for myself. Being me has always been hard but being me now is the hardest its ever been and the most disgusted by myself I have ever been. I don't like who I am. I feel like I need to send this to someone because I crave validation from a very unhealthy and childish place. I want someone to tell me why I feel these things, or to tell me it was good of me or bad of me to write them out. I want someone to be proud of me. Or upset with me. Or something. I don't feel like I am perceived in the ways I want to be perceived. I am seen as a person and observed as a person in the wrong places. I don't feel seen I feel observed or witnessed.