Dear Nobody™,

I haven't had friends for quite some time now. For the past three years or so, all I've really had was my best friend, who eventually turned into my boyfriend, and who, as of a few days ago, proposed to me. He's my fiancé now, and I couldn't be happier; he's a lovely, kind-hearted man and I really do feel like I've won the lottery with him. The only thing is, I have nobody to share the news with. That makes me really sad about something that's supposed to be a beautiful entrance into the next chapter of my life with him together.

I don't really have family; I separated from them due to suffering a lifetime of emotional abuse, control, and belittlement. I get along well enough with my mom and step-dad, but I can't remember the last time either of them texted me first or actually cared about anything I had to talk about, so I'm considering just letting them go as well. They haven't even been a big enough part of my life as of late to get to know my fiancé, which makes me really sad, because I wanted them to get to know him well enough to accept him as their son in law, as his kind family will accept me as one of their own. But I think they'd only be upset with me if I told them I got engaged. We haven't even told his family yet; for now, it's just gonna stay between us.

The friends I did have are all off doing their own thing in college, getting their degrees, living their best lives without me. And I'm happy for them, I'm glad they're chasing their dreams. But it gets lonely, a lot, if not all the time. I've told my fiancé about my desire to have fellow women as friends who would understand the things I'm going through, who would be happy for me getting engaged and want to celebrate and make it even more special with me, who would show up at my wedding. And, of course, I'd do my best to show up for all their life events, big or small, because I want to have that relationship with someone. But my fiancé doesn't exactly have friends either; we're all we have, and mostly keep to ourselves. I really am happy with him, but I still have that desire to have even just one person I can call a friend, to confide in them and have them confide in me, to share our differences and be able to bond over shared experiences. To be there when they need someone to talk to, so they never have to experience the same kind of loneliness I feel every day. My fiancé alleviates the pain where he can, but he's only one person, and I don't want to have to put another problem on him when he already deals with my shit every day.

I don't really know what to do, to be honest. I'm going to try and continue to make the best of my life and the new chapter that's beginning now that I'm engaged, but I don't know that I'd be able to hold out hope of ever finding new friends, because I've waited for so long and been broken over having nobody to call a friend, no family of my own (though that is changing, I guess). It hurts, but the only thing I can really do is keep pushing forward, put myself out there and hope I meet someone like me, even if it's only an acquaintance or a coworker, or just someone I can talk to everyday so as to have company when my fiancé can't be around.

It feels a little better to have gotten all this off my chest, but the ache will remain. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read through my incessant rambling, and I hope you have a good day full of love and happiness.