Dear bluey,

hi, baby. angel. cherie. let me ramble again.

i want you, but i cant handle myself, so it feels cruel to let you handle me. baby? do you understand? you don't have to. do you hear me? i wish you could.

i want you so deeply. my problems, my feelings, my avoidance: it is so indubitably unbearable. my longing is insatiable. but so is the part of me that doesn't want good. it doesn't make sense, babe.

yeah, i know. none of it makes sense. i'm crazy, angel, i told ya. no matter how greatly you see me or how much you think you can deal with it. i'm crazy, babe. i've been crazy.

i guess i don't have anything good to say. my love for you flaunts in doubt and fear, but it never fades, my dear. i just wish i could help you to understand. so, what's wrong with me? i'll say.

i'm insufferable, cherie: i'm pessimistic. i'm dramatic. i'm lazy. i'm mean. i'm not good for you, and i never will be. i have hurt you once and i know i will again. i keep pulling away. it hurts you, doesn't it?

i'm just not very interesting. i 'try and try' but not really. i don't write any more, i don't game with you, i don't watch films or do anything at all. i just lie down and cry and cry and cry. you don't need that.

most importantly i hate myself, and i'm afraid you won't hate me as well. i don't know what else to say. you will always find a way to love me anyways and it's hurting me, not because i hate you but because i hate myself, and i can't bear thinking of you having to go through loving me.

i will always push you away. i don't want to but i always will and always do.

i don't want more than you, i just want more than an internet connection. i promise, my love, you are all i need and want. i just wish we could hug and kiss and make love instead of just crying on the phone.

it is not your fault, it has never been and it will never be. you are kind, radiant, my sunshine in dark. you keep me going. kay? i don't want you to doubt yourself because of how much i can't stay.

i love you forever. you are the best thing that has happened to me. you are amazing, blue. i love you. i'm eternally sorry for the mess i am and your devotion to staying with me.