Dear anyone who is a survivor of "R",

its been a year since it happened and i still remember every detail. i didnt think it could happen to me, ive only ever seen or heard about it on the news or tv shows like law & order. how do i deal with the self doubt? i didnt say no but it was clear i didnt want it. does that mean its still considered a crime? or am i just being overdramatic? my family seems more upset about it happening than i am but i think thats because this entire time, ive become so numb towards those thoughts and memories. i hate thinking of his face when he got back in the car to drop me off. i hate having to pass his house every time i go to work. i hate that it happened and i hate that i didnt push him off and scream. i hate that i stayed quiet and frozen. i couldve done so much but instead i played the part and let his hands touch me. i feel so disgusted with myself whenever i think about it, which is either all day or never. there is no in between on when it comes to mind. i hate that he moved forward and has a wife and kid now while im stuck on that day. im stuck in his car at 2am on my way back home, knowing damn well it would be the last time we ever met up. i guess im confiding in strangers that i feel numb but emotional. that may sound weird to you but it makes sense to me. i miss the girl i was before we started talking, i miss my old life before flashbacks became a daily ritual. i hate him and i hate me. i miss him and i miss me.