Dear D.A.Sand,

I'm starting to crush under the weight of this. I know I couldn't give up if I wanted to, not now that I know so much. Now that you've slipped your mask I was sure I was already seeing through previously, that I'd convinced was in my head. I have no option but to wait for you. And you're using that as a crutch not to deal. I thought maybe you'd realized that you didn't actually love me, or whatever feeling we're calling love, anyway. Yet, less than a week ago you confirmed that you still felt the same, that you knew how you felt even though you've tested my patience with your avoidance for half a year. Whatever. I know you aren't getting anything out of lying to me, so it makes little sense that you would be. Then a couple hours later, you make it seem like you're pulling back, making 6 months be wasted time and guilt. But I wasn't sure if that's what you meant by harsh truths or whatever. So, i compelled us forward, again, and you didn't show up, again, and now I'm worried because you said you were headed for a breakdown ad you haven't even replied days later to me checking on you. I'm in a whirlwind, of, like, is he doing that thing where he keeps convincing himself I'm better off? Because BELIEVE ME, I'm not. Maybe if you'd let me hate you, if you didn't work so hard to keep us afloat, even if just through text, I would have been better off. But now that I know so much, now that YOU know so much, and how you reacted to the knowledge that I'd always been yours... it's too late. I distract myself and live my life, and even convince myself I'm done and move on... until I'm to distracted. Until I'm alone in the night listening to snoring and unable to sleep and once a week I put on our music. Even when I don't cave or reach out, I still put it on when I'm lonely. Which, let's face it, is a lot. I don't belong here. I don't feel understood. There's no electric magnetic air that keeps me here, just necessity. You're scared, I'm eccentric and open and raw. I'm too much, which drove me nuts (derogatory) when I was trying to hide it for a decade, but it's driven you nuts (positive) since I've been mask-off. Initially, I was puRPOSEFULLY being honest about how insane this connection feels and how intense my feelings were to DRIVE YOU AWAY. That you didn't care and it would be the nail in the coffin, me being my messing, heavy feeling self. But you DIDN'T. You persisted. But you won't show up you say to stop hesitating in fucking January and it's gods damned April ad if you really fucking give up after dragging me along idk wtf I'm going to do. It might actually destroy me, idk, to be so close to something to unique and to lose it anyway. After knowing how it tastes. Never finding out how it feels in person after all the honesty and feelings and bullshit. If it's bullshit, imma die, ngl. Idk how to react to something like that. If it's not bullshit fUCKING PICK UP YOUR PRIZE before the boredom and aimlessness and depression wastes me away. How am I supposed to goal out my life if I don't know where the fuck it's going? If it's not going anywhere, tell me, so I can hate you for almost 8 months of leading me down a path of hope meets immorality. Whatever way you wanna take this, fUCKING deal. Grow up, face your shit, whether it's "hate me for wasting your time" or "here's a comprehensive plan of how to make this a thing". One or the other needs to happen ffs deal with your shit like an actual human for once. I've been empathetic to your plight long enough.