Dear A person whose still willing to love me,

I'm a demanding idiotic person, I care about you but I want you to be all mine and do as I want even in the moments I have no idea what I want.
I felt love once in the past I thought I did, all I could think about was them but it was a game we played and tried to be mature. I would spend hours obsessing over ways to win her over. I knew liked me but in influence to the anime I watched I played a game of trying to embarrass trying to mess around, maybe it was charming to hide myself like I did through intelligence because I thought she was so smart and a perfect person. Always able to share something that made me amazed. I learned to be interested in the games of people with her, and the knot never came undone. I just kept running. I felt so depressed at what I killed, I killed the joy to preserve the person I didnt like to preserve the person I wanted to shed. I never saw she wanted to date because she wanted to share herself to me, I saw it was victory and I saw it as complete. Yet I lied in the very end, couldnt clear up my feelings were that of shame that I couldnt be with her for the person I truely was that hid away. I spent years chasing her until I chases her away, because she had a heart stronger than me a mind stronger to see that her life is hers to live and I wont wrap her down. Maybe pride but sadness left me wishing I could understand and I couldnt. I spent the next year seeing the walled fortruss that Id never reach. I went as a ghost along to my days I cased the experiences I wish I could have shared with her, I found a girl who was quick to want to call my name. That wanted to be next to me, that wanted to call me, there was always a girl. But never a girl I wanted. I felt like I had to that I had to find an obsession. But there would be mo obsession like the love I once felt.

In the end of that disaster I kelt going worse. I let my perversions take over my sense of humanity and dignity. I no longer wanted love the pure kind that floats you from your head to toe. I wanted to endulge. I felt so nasty so disgusting in myself I wantes something to match my diagust. I took the chance the circumstances of the world thag arose and █████████████████████████████████████████████████ She was like a dog is how I felt, I felt I would approach anyone with the same games again and again. But there was no game to play because she never viewed me as family. My family was so destroyed in a way I always knew. And I couldnt care.

But to then hold a double secret a secret of past love and misaction and a secret of past lust and degeneracy. I was a husk from a ghost. No vengeance no longer in spirit I was simply a husk with a human mind being pushed by my surroundings.

So I went to the college I managed. Never the one I wanted the one I wanted never actioned on. I went to the college into the cest pool of people. Searching for the line out of the hell of lethargic purposeless pleasure seeking existance. I never gave up my search for love but yet I never found action or desire.

I let the next love to come take me, believing the circumstances were the reason that I should cherish it. Feeling a forced connection and a confliction but a commitment growing that I must see it through must see how it may end.

Only to get hurt by all the lies. By cheating and abuse. By my own self deprecating more and more. To a love that was suffocating to a person that was unrelenting and unchanging. They truely saw who I was they just didnt care, a sadistic person wanting to punish my fleeting desire to be kind. I will never stop wanting to be loved.

When I was told to kill myself I tried to. But I could never end it there. The way the story goes is pointlessly convoluted. I just cant stop with my conflictions.

Yet im still stuck bounded by traumatic bonds to a person who doesnt see the world I do, but a person who isnt willing to share a single view.

I learned in the college before I left the difference in life when you take agency. I wonder where lifes circumstances stem from and I can only believe it comes from your desire from your desire you being forth a world to view and with you action you get there.

I want to be fully loved and in love, not by a conceptual understanding a kind that just cant be explained. Like what I once felt. By someone who lived a life like me, who can share humanity. But I must also stop. I must also start, start to live my life with conviction.