Dear God,

i am cynical and i have a p*rn addiction i cant seem to stop. + some overwhelming life circumstances. Of course, i can stop it, if others can. Logically, its very feasible.

Thats literally it.
Compared to things other people face, this is minute i know. But in the past, i stopped it for a year, so i figured out i should be able to stop it. Yet, nah. It continues. The scarier thing is that i have become numb to it. NO ONE KNOWS. IT HAS BEEN AT LEAST 8-9 years since this thing all started. Post conversion it was a 1yr stop.

Especially since i am a Christian, this will have an extremely bad look on the faith if people ever realise. Idc if my reputation gets ruined, i care if my faiths reputation gets ruined cuz of me tho. I dont know how people dont realise. But even if they dont, i just feel like i am living a phony, being a fake.

Worst still, because of the blessings God gave me like talents and study ability people see only that often and praise me, which worsens my impostor syndrome.

Well, i do feel like a moral hypocrite.
Or do i? Numbness like anaesthesia. Emotional detachment, like you are reading in this letter.

Oh one more thing. I almost forgot. My dad is pretty badly sick, and i am numb to that too.

Tho i did cry the one time i told some teacher cuz she almost informed him that i was late for school once. And i dont want to trouble him.

In conclusion, i feel like a failure who plugs noise cancelling earphones to escape.

Let me pray to end off this letter. Without earphones.

Dear Lord Jesus,
I know ive asked please forgive me and ill say it again.
I pray for my dads recovery and salvation.
Or maybe, at the very least, a change of mindset in my head, so that i dont feel either overwhelmed by anxiety and frustration, or cold, numb and totally detached.
I pray for the strength to do my work. I literally already blocked so many websites but i still doomscroll Wikipedia or Fandom, my avoidant brain / the p*rn addiction.

I acknowledge i cannot control things. My scope of control is limited. So i surrender.

In Jesus name i pray
Amen.