Dear yet another that got away. or pushed me away. I dont know. pt1,

I want to talk to you but I have no clue what to say. My brain is constantly in a battle between still being hopelessly in love with you, the version of me who moved to South Africa for you and wanted to become the best I could be for you wants to repair things and try fix it all but the person I am now knows that cant happen and if that was a possibility you would've helped me make it happen. But you didn't. The current me is so mean, to me and to you and it hurts the old me inside. Its like I am crossing the event horizon of a black hole and collapsing into the inescapable void but not of sadness or pain, more like the wormhole theory. Moving into a new universe and a new self that is so different that I feel like my face has changed structure. It hurts me a lot that you are still with her. It feels like you spent those weeks away in October using studying as a guide to hide how much more you were talking to her, and planning with her and your dad about getting a divorce from me so you two could be together. It feels lieka violation of my soul that you would take our open relationship and my boundaries and ignore them so brutally as to fall in love with someone else and stop at nothing to be with them instead of me. The new me is so so angry and I cant stop that from coming through. It is hard to understand how your apology has affected me and I need so much more time to process all of this. On the one hand it feels like my ane, the old ane, the one that I married and spent days on facetime to from England and that I fell in love with over and over again came back, like catching a glimpse of a familiar face in passing traffic but only for a moment. My thoughts are so mean and so scattered and I don't want this to e me just rehashing all of those thoughts because I think, I hope, you have begun to understand what you did to me and how everything affected me. I am just scribbling all of my thoughts out and I don't want you to take this as me being mean, I don't want to be mean any more, but I am so hurt. I feel like one of those dogs that's been rescued from a fighting ring, taken from a safe home that slowly became day by day emotional and psychological torture that left me scared and surrounded by people I don't know and faces I hardly recognise and in a body I cant see as my own and in a state of mind that leaves me lashing out in fear not anger. Im crying now. My brain is such a horrible place to be the last while and I keep wanting to come to you for comfort and remembering that the you I felt safe with and comforted by and understood by is gone. My safest place and favourite person was killed and replaced by whatever you and her have become. Nothing is safe any more, nobody truly understands. Even with my therapist I do my absolute best to trust when he says he cares and wants me to heal and get better and then I see the medical aid claim and suddenly he's just a paid actor. I keep fighting so hard to tell the truth and I keep telling the absolute truth of my situation to everyone I can but our relationship had so much gaslighting and manipulation and dishonesty in it, that you brought into it, that I always feel like I am lying even if its simple truths like what I had for breakfast or if I showered. My brain is broken and I am a shell. Im sorry for trauma dumping, I really wanted to write my thoughts out hoping it would help me make sense of them but it feels like I am sticking my fingers into a wound that wont heal. I feel like a dog that needs a cone. But they don't make cones for your brain. I haven't smoked weed since that last joint we had before I went to Denmar. I've thought about it every single day and its so hard not relapsing into it. I keep relapsing with my drinking. I am soft and sensitive and weak. I am still the 10 year old boy staring out of my bedroom window wondering why I feel so strongly and telling myself to not feel my emotions any more so I can better protect and support my family. I have been an adult my whole life but I am still just a child in all of it. I am not made for this hard life and for the fights I am constantly in. I cannot stand it. Ive been in a constant panic attack since I came to pick up the ring and headphones and was forced into seeing you. I have seen you and her in the front of your car in my dreams. I dreamt about laying my head on your lap and I felt so safe and then I woke up and cried and had another panic attack. I cannot stand this. I was not made for this. I am still suicidal. I don't think that will ever go away. It is less often, and I am no longer passively idealising it. But when I think about it now it feels like planning and that scares the shit out of me. It feels like the new me and not the old me. The mean cruel aggressive rude me and not the 10 year old. I've cried multiple times a day since getting your apology letter. I don't think it helped. It did help but it doesn't feel like it. Or maybe it just confused me more. I don't know.