Dear The person whome I once hurt,

Dear the person whom I once hurt,

I hope you are doing well.

Let me tell you my story. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other. When I was a kid I wasn't particularly brave, but I wasn't a coward. I thought courage meant being able to fight like character in my favorite shows. Turns out it also meant being fearless with you emotions (I think I heard a Chinese expression 敢爱就敢恨).

I used to not care. I will just do and say as feel. Then, I became the brilliant kid in school. I was praised and loved. I had this image image of my self: The prettiest, and the most intelligent. I discovered that the praises will be even greater even if I was obedient. Then, without realizing I lost my self to pleasing others. I have no opinion anymore neither genuine feeling. I want everyone to love me and look at me. Later, I developed a social anxiety out nowhere. Now, how to deal with these two contraindicating identities. I know the later one was a resulting of fear from shattering my perfect image.

After, this image naturally would start being challenged. I might not be the prettiest. I was shamed for my looks in the streets. I didn't know how to style. I started to copy those who where good at but it didn't suit me and it made me uncomfortable. I started hating how I looked while actually knowing I am not ugly.

I hated dealing with boys the most. They were just annoying with their comments. I ended up hating them all to protect myself. Then, my friend taught me that they are human beings too and I shouldn't paint them all with the same color. I know that now, but how do I differentiate. I also noticed that pretty girls would get numbers thrown at them, asked out and flirted with all the time. Though, most of these actions make me feel uncomfortable. I subconsciously felt that I wasn't pretty enough because I wasn't harassed like this. I lived with the contradiction of if someone threw a word at me saying that I was pretty or something. I'd be scared and happy at the same time.

Then, came university. This time I am supposed to be grownup, but why do I still fell like a child. I don't understand myself. I am afraid from everyone and everything. I have social anxiety and to add to this I study away from home. My roommate is inconsistent, one day treating me well and the other she's weird and angry with everyone.

In all of this I am now studying with boys and pretending it's nothing. There was someone who seemed to like me a little, but it was me who low key tricked him into doing this. He was an extreme extrovert. Which made it easy to talk to him. I was totally acting like a pick me. He ended up catching some feelings. I like the feeling of being liked, but I was also uncomfortable. I clearly didn't like him. He is not my type. His thoughts are different from mine. I have even difference in principles. In the end, I kept just running away like chicken. He is a nice person and he understood how I felt. I didn't reject him directly though because I was afraid of hurting his feeling or maybe of hurting my image as a nice person who doesn't say no.

I left that university later and acted like none of this has happened.

I was told that he seemed sad after I left. I think they were just assuming. I don't think he liked me too. We were never close to that point. It was just some passing feelings of confusion. I even thought that maybe I like him, because of my friends teasing.

So, dear that person whom I once hurt. I hope you are doing well. I am sorry for bothering you that time. I hope you forgot I ever existed. I hope you hate me. I hope we will never meet again. I hope if ever it happens, you'd look away. I hope I will never forget you. I will try to never be this toxic ever again.

I never liked you. I should've said that when I could. This is my last coward step to move on and become a better braver person