Dear M,

I don't want to write about you anymore. I don't want to think about you. I don't want to ask the universe for the truth either. I shouldn't have to. I feel betrayed and gaslit. I feel toyed with and abandoned. You have left me to figure this out alone.

Are you that stubborn? But come off as kind and sweet. When in reality you play with woman's emotions and act shocked when the same woman you love hate you. Are you that stubborn! You must be.

I don't know what it'll take but I remember everything you told me. You said you loved me, but was it you? Or did someone else have your phone. Did you play with my emotions and hand it over to your brother. Because I feel like that is something you would do. Involve others and laugh at me, laugh at my emotions.

I thought you cared! I thought you wanted better for me. I thought you actually wanted me to come home, and be with you. That was never the case was it. It was a game to you. Like I always say, this wasn't the first time you'd done this.

You lure woman in, get close to them, close enough to steal their emotions and then you act like nothing happened. You feed off of woman's emotions. Is it because your mother never shared hers with you? Is it because you lost the one girl you swore would have your babies? Is it because you can't stand yourself and you want to hurt woman? What is it?

It doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter that you dismissed my pain and instead wanted me to stop talking. You wanted me to have not told you all I was going through. You didn't care I was in pain and felt alone. I was being abused, I was afraid and all you could think about was how that was an inconvenience for you. You would've rather not known, not be "pulled in". You are cruel.

I hope one day soon you realise what you did to me wasn't fair. It wasn't right. I shared my soul with you and all you could do was dig the knife in deeper. I cried to you, I asked for help, I shared things I have never shared with another soul. And all you could care about was yourself.

Do you ever think back to why I always left. Do you ever wonder why I couldn't stay. Do you ever wonder why I couldn't bring myself to watch you play out your sick fantasies? It's because I was in pain. I had no one. There was never and will never be another you.

I wanted to know the truth, but the truth is you never cared for me. You lie when you say you do because you lied about my very existing. You told me things about coming home and you teaching me. You said I should focus on me and not stay to find out if things could improve.

You sung my songs to the world to not hear my side, my truth. I gave you so much and all you could do is play in my face, then act like I didn't try. I tried for too long, I tried too hard. I had given too much, and nearly lost my soul. I nearly lost my heart.

I hold onto the things that hurt, but I remember the times you had others and would be with me. Talking, voice messaging and videos. Asking my advice and wondering what I thought. Did you even see me? Did I ever even cross your mind at all.

In my heart I know what it is. I know what you want and I know how you pretend. You lie and make up excuses to cover your true feelings. You keep failing because you keep prolonging the truth. You look at me like I did you wrong.

How? When I was being abused and beaten down but came to you. I wanted out and even came home, you lied to me. You made me feel so heartbroken. You made me feel foolish. And now you are nowhere to be seen. You got mad that I'm staying here because you left me.

You got mad when I got scared, you got mad when I said I still care for him. You got mad when I didn't let you know I was home. You got mad when I celebrated my brother's birthday. You got mad when I decided to stay, and try. But you do nothing.

You keep the truth from me. You say it's not important and means nothing now. But I still deserve to know, because I gave so much and for what? You keep pushing for woman who are just like me. There is a reason you reached out and started this whole cycle.

I feel like I keep trying to finish it, and because you keep the truth from me about how you really felt and feel it drags out. I don't know what else I have to do to make you leave my thoughts. I don't care, I just want the truth. That's all I care about.

I feel like I deserve to know because I know I'm not crazy, I know it's not because I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or cool enough. It's because you're shameful that you actually fell for me. You don't want to believe that your heart was mine. That you did want it, but you couldn't have it.

That's why you hide. That's why you're afraid of me. You're actually scared of me because you do believe in me. You take what I say as true. You wanted to think you had some hold over me, but you don't. You can't stand that I left you, multiple times.

That I made you feel some way, and that you couldn't be with me. That's why you keep running.