Dear RC,

Ever since I left, and even though I'm moving on from you, I realize that our relationship has left me feeling like the most unlovable person in the whole world. Not just because of things you said (although that makes up half of it), but also just because of my own insecurity bubbling back after feeling loved for once. I keep thinking about why you treated me the way you did, and I can't find any reason behind your actions except that I must've deserved it. Why else would you say and do things you know hurt me when I've already shown my full self to you? Was the true me just that hard to love? I've thought about the specific things you said, how I constantly make big deals out of nothing or that I make you depressed so much or how it's so frustrating "being my therapist," and I realize that even though you communicated these things harshly to me and didn't communicate to me how much it all bothered you until you snapped, I still internalize that I have some fault in the situation. I'm over-emotional, I'm depressed and negative all the time, I'm always complaining and babbling on about everything and nothing at the same time. And even if my therapist tells me how you treated me wasn't my fault, it's always going to feel like it was, like maybe if I had just kept my issues in and let you act how you wanted and worked harder to appease you, this relationship would still be ongoing and you'd feel more satisfied in it. Even outside of what you did to me, I realize how much of an ugly person inside and out I am and I don't understand how you even fell for someone like me in the first place (although I suspect you never loved me at all, which honestly makes sense). My looks are horrible, my hygiene is horrible, my thoughts and feelings are highly tainted in bitterness and anger. I'm 99% sure you'd prefer at least some of your exes over me. But anyways. This horrible unlovable feeling has been eating me up since around Valentine's Day, because I genuinely believe that nobody else will ever love me in the way I want, and that if somebody did I wouldn't deserve it anyways. Hell, when you treated me right in the relationship or just when we were friends I felt I didn't deserve you. I don't think I even deserve my family and friend and therapist. I feel undeserving of anything good, I wonder if fate tore us apart to remind me of how little I'm worth. Idk, I've given up on relationships, I'm probably gonna live life still thinking about you and thinking fictional characters are hot, lol. Even if you came back, acting like a better person and promising with all your heart to be better, I'd probably politely decline and go back to the isolating I'm doing now. Honestly I pray you never reach out to me again, my heart really wants you to, to show that you might actually care about me and love me. But I know deep in my soul that I need to let the process of moving on persist even if it's painful, and you reaching out would disrupt my progress or completely halt it if I'm stupid enough to let you back in. But I think I'm not as stupid as I was before, I'll give myself that. If you ever reach out, I'll just read the message you send me over and over and over, but I'll never respond. Anyways... this letter's going nowhere, just needed to get my feelings and thoughts out there. Anyways, hope you're having fun baking cookies or hanging out with your grandma or something, idk. Love you.