Dear Dear anyone,,

I love my life, but yet there's so many moments where I spiral and debate on whether or not I should die. and I've been so close, so very close to ending it just because I couldn't handle it anymore, I couldn't see a way out. The only reason I'm still here is because of my mom and dad; like it's nothing emotional like "they care for me so much i feel so loved and appreciated by them" no it's not really like that. the way i see it is "if i kill myself tonight, or any day, how much will affect them? I would be letting them down. their 'perfect' daughter, dead." and honestly sometimes i find myself drifting towards those thoughts. just to feel free, so i don't have to keep pretending everything is okay. When it's not, i want to break down during class but i can't because I'm afraid of them questioning me and telling my parents, because most of the time it has to do with the guy i like (which my parents don't know that I've even liked anyone) and I'm going to have to explain that, or another thing would be that i would have to tell then that I got Sa'd by my own cousin.