Dear her,

Sometimes I sit and wonder "what is genuinely wrong with me?" I never end up figuring it out. One day Ill figure out what lingers in the back of my mind. What could possibly be so very repetitive that it constantly lingers and follows me around every. single. day? Sometimes I believe I am unworthy of any sort of love of compassion, what is deeply wrong with me? I cannot stop asking that same question over and over again because I genuinely cannot get it out of my head. It follows me everywhere I go. I want to prove I can be okay, I want to prove I am nothing like my mother. I wish I could prove it so bad, but how? How can I prove something with that constant lingering sadness? Why can't I be normal, why can't I just be okay for once? Wait am I asking too many questions, am I being annoying? Am I being too loud? Am I just not enough for you? Why can't I be enough for you? Please tell me I'm beautiful, but don't because I know you're lying. Wait please touch me, but don't because I'm disgusted with myself. Why aren't you touching me? Do you not think I'm beautiful? Why do I hate myself? Please don't ask that because I do not know. I seem to not know a lot, huh? I don't know much, I don't know why I'm like this. No please don't get too close because I don't like that. Why are you distancing yourself do you not like me? Am I too much? Am I not enough? Why am I so difficult? Why am I so hard to love? I physically cannot look at myself in the mirror I find myself so disgusting. I hate everything about my body. Wait no I hate everything about myself. Why am I so ugly? Why does my body look like that? Please don't look at me. Why aren't you looking at me, do you think I'm ugly? I'm sorry for pushing you away, I cant let you too close. Why aren't you pulling me closer? Do you hate me? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.