Dear Dear, the man who never chose,

Dear my lover,
I wasn't sure how to start this, or if I should start this at all. Am I ready to admit anything to myself? I won't know until I do it I guess. We have been together for over a year, One Year, 5 months, and 17 days to be precise. You didn't begin to be a decent lover until this past August. I've never felt more alone in my life, so many people around me, my family, my co workers, my classmates, and my own boyfriend, but I feel so hollow. I don't have friends, I've never been able to make friends long term. The only friend I had moved to Los Angeles and suddenly forgot how to use her phone. She preferred her new and exciting west coast friends, over the girl she went to hell and back with. I guess that is the running theme. People in my life, friends, families, past lovers, they preferred someone other than me. Perhaps a sibling, or a cooler, more relatable friend, perhaps this preference was towards another child of theirs, either way, I've always been the person people preferred less than the others in their life. I acted like this never bothered me, but as I get older, and reflect on my nearing two decades of life, I realize how alone I am. How horribly my self esteem has gotten since realizing, nobody will ever choose me. Even the man, who claimed to love me unconditionally, who chose me. You. Even you prefer other people. You cheated on me. You cheated with the one person I told you I worried about. I thought you would choose me, I thought it would always be me. But it won't be. You chose them in a moment of weakness, or so you claim. It will forever kill me that I'm second. Yet still, I choose you. I chose you every day. You began going out more, forgetting you have a girlfriend at home, triple checking for a text. I never see you anymore. Every day, I feel my love for you diminish. It's not a good feeling. I see you text, but don't feel the need to respond. My foot is out the door. I can't do it anymore. I can't feel ugly and worthless anymore. I wish you chose me.