Dear my friends and family,

i really wish i could be loved the way i love.
i wish i was as pretty or approachable as you
i struggle a lot more than im willing to admit
i feel very useless most of the time. im unmotivated and unsure about the future and i dont really know if i even have that much to live for.

i love you all very much but i dont find that reciprocated very often.
i dont like feeling this way.

i would go back to therapy but that means i have to confess to my parents that im not doing mentally well, and i know that means you would ask why, and id say i couldn't tell you, and you wouldn't let me go back until i gave you a good reason, or youd tell me to go outside or drink some water or get some rest.

im outside a lot more often now, actually- nearly every day actually. i like being in nature, i just dont like how lonely it is. i wish i could talk to birds.

i dont really know what i want to do with my life. id say i want to be an artist or an actor but thats unrealistic, and im not that talented. im not that motivated either, especially not right now.

i tried being an academic, marine biology was my focus, but im not smart enough for five years of chemistry.

ive always said my love language is quality time, but its really acts of service, but i dont like saying that because it sounds selfish. i still give all the time hoping someone would notice that's what makes me feel seen and reciprocate.

i can't remember the last time my friends called me pretty. ill joke around or say i feel ugly and half the time they don't argue, or in the other half they'll go 'no you don't', but they never say anything to combat what i know.

i hate taking pictures of myself.

i hate that i eat when im stressed. and im stressed all the time.

i never want to go back to church.

i know i can be very annoying when im being myself and i hate smiling and looking in mirrors and i hate the sound of my voice. i hate that i stumble over my words so often.

i wish someone would be insistent on helping me when they can see im not doing okay. i want someone to help me as much as i help other people.

i feel really selfish saying all of this but i dont feel like its a secret that ive been pulling back.

i really miss my sister, she would make me feel better but she doesn't really answer her phone anymore. i worry about her every day because she's 1,000 miles away and i never know if shes okay.

i don't like summer because that's when it gets too hot to wear layers and long sleeves.

my teeth are weird and my smile is just ugly. i hate smiling.

nobody wants to have a relationship with me, and i'm constantly harrassed at work by old creeps and i feel disgusting around them. they grab me and touch my back sometimes and for once i wish that someone nice was doing something like that without malice in their touch. i hate having a body so much.

i never want to have sex. maybe i just don't want to risk anyone betraying me and my body. im not made to handle stuff like that.

i want my grandpa back. i wish i told him i was queer, he would probably understand.

i have so little control over my life.

i cry most of the time when im by myself. i feel really angry and overwhelmed most of the time.

i dont have any airbags in my car, so if i got into an accident that would really be the end of it. which means i could really go anytime i wanted.

im a child at 20 and i don't want to grow up anymore.

what do you mean this is forever?