Dear My first love,

Letter 4.

You have no idea how right you were about James. Where do I even begin. He is so much worse than either of us could have ever predicted.

He said a lot about you, and it was all so negative. Everybody says negative things about you, not to the extent he did mind you, but I am so fucking sick of it.

You were my first love, my person, and I am still very much getting over that.

These people don't know you, they don't have the right to talk about you like that. They tell me that you were "punching", and how much "better looking than you I am", and all of these fucked things. I don't want to hear it. To me you looked like you were carved by the gods. Your face when you slept or concentrated. Seeing you first thing in the morning was one of my favourite things, you looked so beautiful and at peace, I could've watched you for hours.

I want to hold you again, be held by you. I want you to stroke my hair and tell me it's all just been a bad dream. How can this happen to me again, how can it keep happening. I don't think I can cope if it happens again. It just makes me want to crawl into bed, fetal position, and never get out. You were the only person that could get me out of that. This all just feels harder without you.

I wish we still talked, but we don't so I write these letters instead. There's so much I want to tell you and catch you up on, but I really want to hear about you; what you've been doing, your trip away, how your mum is, how your sister is, your job, your friends, everything.

I miss your voice, your laugh, your comfort. I don't miss how I felt in our relationship. I miss you being my best friend.

I want you back in my life but like everything else in my life, that is a burnt bridge that will probably never be rebuilt.

I still have photos of you and of us in my phone, I can't bring myself to delete them. Hah, I've just realised it's been 10 months today since we broke up. I know that was my choice and I stand by it, but I just wish that didn't have to mean every part of us was done forever.

We never got that proper trip away together, probably for the best though. If you thought I was short tempered generally you wouldn't want to see me battling the heat.

I've been on some dates recently, haven't thought anything of them. I don't want to be with someone else, I'm just sorely missing have such a bond with someone, that intimacy that you only have with that one person. I think James has ruined me for a little while though. I don't want anyone to see me, to see my skin, to have any insight into me. It all makes me want to shut myself away from the world, and me and you both know how bad it is when I do that.

I'm still angry at you. I am not over the times you broke my trust. When you told my secret to my friend, when you went through my stuff, when you told me you'd break up with me if I worked abroad over the summer.

It's that time of year, where everything is harder, when I struggle the most. I've been doing so well this year. For almost 10 years I didn't have a single full week where I didn't feel at such a depressing low, and now I've gone months without one life-derailing thought. I never thought I'd see the day. I think you'd be proud of me, happy for me.

I hate that he has taken that from me.

I think you'd like my room and new flat. I have a pet now as well! You'd love her, she's my little fat, fluffy stink, she's got that stupid name I always said I would call my pet.

I see people that look like you sometimes, and when I come through to Glasgow I always keep my eye out just in case. I don't know if we'll ever see each other again though, and that thought re-breaks my heart.

I'm sitting here in my room, with my tear soaked face, staring at the tabs I have open for uni and reporting crimes, listening to music we once listened to together, thinking so deeply and dearly of you. Do you ever think of me like this anymore.

When I get the bus from my mums house back to my home I go past where we went on our first wee holiday together. I get the same bus we got, and look out the window trying to see the Air B&B we stayed in. I get a lot of buses we used to get together. I went past your work the other day, and I just don't think you ever think of me like this anymore.

I don't know what to do with that, and I hope you never see these. But I hope somehow, someway that you know I still think of you like this.

I wish you nothing but the best.