Dear Grandma,

This weekend was a big rollercoaster of emotions when it came to spending time with you. You took me to that book event I'd been desperately wanting to go to for the past month, and I expected something to go wrong. Either you'd get sick and we'd have to leave, or you'd be too tired to go, or you'd embarrass me somehow in public or our car would break down. So I was surprised when everything went fine... and I actually felt I had a good time.

That should make me happy, because having a good time is a good thing, right? It's not for me when it comes to you. These past few weeks, I've been convincing myself that you are the reason for all the bad things going on in our family, because if you had just waited later to have kids when you were healthier, you wouldn't have birthed such mentally unwell children who ruin us grandchildren's lives. I've been telling myself I'm allowed to be angry at you, because this is your fault, and that all the bad things happening to you and around you is deserved.

But then I see you happy, I see you act like the most caring woman I've ever seen, and it reminds me that you've always tried your hardest. You were only 17 when you were pregnant with your first daughter (my mom), coming from a physically and verbally abusive household and kicked out the minute you turned 18. You were young, and even if deciding not to abort the baby was a bad decision on your part, you weren't in the right headspace. And that makes me repress all the anger I feel, and fills me with guilt and self-hatred instead. What kind of person is angry at their grandma, who's been through so much and loves you unconditionally, for simply existing and being around you.

Tonight, you shared that you were so grateful I was here, because I "want to be around you more and treat you better than your own daughters." You went on to say you care for me out of choice, not just because your my grandma. And it made me sick to my stomach. Because in all reality, I don't want to be here with you. You irritate me all the time, you unintentionally remind me of all the bad things I do and think every day, and you act as unwanted company a lot. What you tell me is a lie.

I've accepted that I'm a bad person. And it pains me that I'm the granddaughter you were given. You deserve better, so much better. And I'm trying to be better, trying to spend more time with you and do things with you and talk to you more, help you more around the house and make you happy. But its not enough, even if it is for you, it just isn't enough. What I think, feel, and do is irredeemable, and I wish you'd feel angry at me rather than love me. I'll never be a good person or the granddaughter you need and truly want.

I've been thinking about things a lot in my head, because it's not like I have much else to do around here. And I'm trying to figure out how to leave you without hurting you. It's hard, because I'm hurting you while I'm here but I'd hurt you too if I left, and I don't know which hurt is going to be worse, and which is going to be most worth it. I don't want you to hurt, but sadly my existence causes it even if I try not to be around. I don't want you to be alone, and I can't trust that anybody else in the family or close to us will keep you company, I'm quite literally all you have.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you in person how sorry I am, but you'd just dismiss it all and tell me I've got nothing to be sorry for, that you love me no matter what and you always will. But you don't understand and I don't think you ever will. I just want to say sorry and have you listen to it in full, so I know you're at least processing what I'm saying even if you don't agree. I'm just so so sorry for everything, I just wish I could make everything all better for you but I can't and it's tearing me apart, I feel like I'm making it all worse and I'm scared it's getting to be too much. I wish isolating and disappearing from everyone's mind would work on you like it works for everyone else.

Listen. Something is going to happen, and you will see it as bad, I know you will. You'll be devastated, you'll cry, you'll fall apart. But please, pick yourself up after you let yourself feel it, if you truly love me you'd be strong for me even when it's hard. Because what you don't realize is that you don't need me to shine and be beautiful and awesome. You always were, im sorry your parents, siblings, husband, daughters and other grandkids don't see that. But I do, and I see it so clearly. You deserve the world and more, after what happens happens, you are going to grow from it so beautifully and stronger than ever. I hope you always hold my things dear, and listen to my music playlist I made you, and look over photos or videos of me. It's selfish of me to want, but please don't forget me, try your hardest not to. Because I'll never forget you, even if I tried. I'm gonna try and give you more hugs and kisses, and I hope you don't notice the change. I love you. 🩷