Dear Nobody™,

i can't do this anymore. oh my god i really just can't. i've never been more humiliated in my life. i made such a big mistake today in front of the whole school, and the worst part is it made my mom look bad, too. i've let my parents down so much, and i know they're disappointed in me. i'm supposed to study hard and get into a good college and be a good person but i can't bring myself to care. all my determination is rotting in my chest and i have nothing left but guilt. deadlines can't pressure me into action, but the anxiety of unfinished tasks is paralyzing. it's weird--i can't conceptualize the future, and i really don't care about it either. i thought i was gonna die at twelve, sixteen, and i'm seventeen now and i still can't picture myself graduating high school. i know what i want to do in the abstract but it's felt so far away my whole life that i know i won't ever reach it, so i'm living just to live.

sometimes, when it's really bad, i start to write my suicide note. but i don't want people to feel left out so i list everyone i would want to mention, and it takes so long that by the time i'm finished i don't want to kill myself anymore. i also don't want to hurt my parents. they've worked so hard to come to this country and build up their lives that the thought of ruining that makes me feel sick. but i've been such a bad son and i've done so much that i can't fix. i want to apologize to them. i never want to see them again. actually what i want most is to relive my life from fourth grade and change every choice i ever made, so that maybe i would actually be living. unfortunately for everyone, that's not possible. as a result, i'm in a constant state of apathy, panic, and soul-crushing guilt, and i have no reason to change that. everyone says that college will be better, but i can't bring myself to put in the effort and get there. i never want to show my face at school again. this letter has been really disjointed but there's no one i can tell this to in real life, and journalling doesn't feel real enough, you know? i don't want to tell my friends, and my parents won't listen to me, and my sister, the only person i really care about, is away at college and texting just isn't the same. i actually tried to talk to my parents but my mom told me to stop crying and said that my emotions were the least of her concern right now because i have exams next week and i haven't studied enough. i'm a good student, i know i am. i study and study and study all the time but these days i don't care about studying like i used to. i care about grades and college but the act of studying is just so much more effort than i have to give. a lot of times i only study for a little bit and then i go and do something else, like reading or playing video games or something. then i feel so guilty but what's the point in studying when the future isn't real anyway? consciously i know that it is and that my family can't afford to send me to college unless i get scholarships. and i will, i hope. and that's what i do. i hope instead of working because working requires a goal, and any goal i once had is gone.