Dear Nobody™,

I lost my mum 8 years ago today. It was the worst experience of my life and i miss her every day. to mum - this is for you.
dear mum,
it's been 8 years and honestly i miss you so so much every single day. everyone told me it would get better and i didnt believe them for a moment but i hope i am not offending you when i say that it has got better - the hurt is still there, it has just changed. at first i thought of you with the ambulance siren, the crowd when i forgot my glasses, the monsoon rain we had that summer. i thought of my grief when i watched TTPD, when we finally had the courage to return to cornwall. now - now you are in the episodes of bridgerton i devour with dad. you are in the christmas we hosted at the house, the time H and i slept on the beach. you are in everything that is good and bright and wonderful because mum, you were so much. you were funny and gentle and smart, you were motivated and driven and ambitious and yet you always always were there for me. i still miss you so much it hurts. i can feel it in my chest every time i turn to whisper something to you and you're not there, i can taste the blood in my mouth when i think how much you would enjoy hearing the gossip and the scandals. on a happier note, i have some exciting news, mummy! do you remember George from across the road? the one who went to Eton? when we were both home from uni 3 summers ago we go to talking and laughing and, well - the wedding is in june! he gets me, mum, like no one else ever has after you. he is there in the middle of the night when the hospital replays in my mind and i wake screaming. he is there on the days when it is all a bit much and it's too heavy to get out of bed. he was there when i made partner, when the girls got married - my god i wish you could see the five of us - and most importantly of all he was there when you were here. he remembers you, mummy - he remembers your lemonade and banana bread, your shampoo and the glasses that you insisted you didn't need. he remembers you, and although that is most definitely not the basis or entirety of our relationship there is a certain companionship in knowing he gets it. he understands how much you meant to all of us and how much we all miss you. anyway mummy, one final thing before i go - i learnt italian with bea that summer after you died, and we spent 5 months working in sicily before uni! (this isn't really relevant but i just wanted to tell you ;)).
i miss you every day, mummy, but we remember you how you would've wanted - we remember you happy and laughing and joyous. and now i have shared our entire story on some random internet page for strangers to read and maybe you'll disapprove - but my god it would've made you laugh.
lots and lots of love for ever and always